I used to write to ease myself of whatever was plaguing me at the moment. Relationships, friendships, work, lack of work, the inablity to understand myself and so on and so forth. But now the well of words has dried up and I’m left sitting here contemplating my next move. Contemplation that never seems to have a end point or a solution.

And with the lack of ability to throw words on paper comes the overwhelming fatigue of holding too much in too little of a space. Before my head bursts I better come up with a plan, a thought and an action. I better come up with something or something is going to come up with me.

By the way, this is my comeback. Take it or leave it.

I’m struggling tonight to come to terms with just how important like is. Not to mention when you move from like to love and what are the sacrifices you’re allowed to make in the state of like? It seems like there are certain circumstances that can interrupt this state. Time and distance being a big two. Is it harder to start something when there is distance involved? Is it harder to start it when the timing is off? Is it just plain harder to be in like?

In love you can make sacrifices, you can make accommodations. Is it acceptable to do these things in like? One would think it’s easier to pull out of a relationship when you’re in like, but I beg to differ. Once you’re in you’re in. Regardless of if you are in love or in a deep state of like. I think the consequences won’t be the same, but they will be similar.

When is like  enough then? Well, without getting all mushy I think like is enough when you know its enough. When you know that giving up what you have is worse than living with your difficulties. It’s a personal decision, but one that’s very important to a lot of people out there. If you can live with complications and that outweighs not living with another person then I think you may have found your answer.

I’m not the authority on this. I just know that life can throw us a lot of curve balls and a lot of the time we don’t get what we want. Or exactly what we want at the time we want it. Sometimes we have to stretch ourselves and learn to accept things as they are and if something is important enough to us then we can at least give an effort at making it work.  At least that’s what I think. At least that’s what I’m doing. And at least I’m going to try my best to be happy about it.

I’m not domesticated, not in the least bit. I have no use for kitchen ware, china patterns or wall paper swatches.  I constantly ridicule these things, but like the boy who pulls the hair of the girl he has an affection for,  am I just hiding behind the “I don’t care” mode.

I can be cool, I can be sophisticated. I can be a modern woman of the world. I can, right? I don’t need marriage or a man to make me happy. Am I just lying to myself? If I’m not then why all the bitterness? This is what I think. We are programmed into being brides from the time we are little girls. Wearing your mother’s doilie on your head and marrying yourself off to the neighbor boy is common practice in this country. It may be in other countries too I just don’t have that knowledge.

We know that a bride is beautiful, graceful, charming and downright lucky and if we work hard enough to fit these ideals we can too be a bride one day. Well, I’ve know brides that were not beautiful, graceful, charming or even lucky. My former best friend chose to marry someone with quite a hefty criminal record,  I wouldn’t call that a “lucky catch.”

So is it just society tricking us into thinking that’s all we’re worth? Or is it our own instincts? I think it may quite possibly be a little bit of both on this one.  Can we combat it? I’m sure we can, but I fear there may be a little bride inside all of us wanting to grow up into a real life bride. If I could squelch that I would, because damn is it getting annoying!!

I’m going to try to not rain on anyone’s parade. As difficult as it may be, in order to keep up my ideal of being a beautiful, graceful and charming bride someday I best keep my mouth shut.  Besides I can go to these weddings and crash my diet with the dessert tray and wedding cake, I  think that sounds like quite the fine plan. Or at least its the best I’ve come up with for right now!

Timeless words. How many times have we wished for someone to take us as we are, even if it’s only a silent wish.  To be accepted as the person we know ourselves as. To be accepted for all our faults, weaknesses and to be cherished in still the same way. To find something in someone else that helps us accept ourselves and thus let us open up in a way we had never known. Yeah, I know. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if the world could see me as I really am.

Just like everyone else I have parts of myself that I really don’t like. I have done things I’m not particularly proud of and sometimes the thought of the life I had and the life I have is enough to make my stomach turn. Enough to make me hide these not so pretty parts. When it comes to personal relationships these issues can either make or break the relationship. When is it enough and when is it too much?

Deciding when to open up about yourself and the parts you keep hidden is a highly personal choice. Sometimes you have an instant bond and these things come out naturally. Or sometimes you just can’t help but keep your personal side hidden.  We all have sides to ourselves that we don’t like but the thought of someone else not liking them scares us to death. Especially when we have already become attached.

Once again, as usual, I don’t have an answer for this situation. I know I’m struggling as to how to let another person into my innermost private world. A world that has not done so well for me in the past and one that I’m dying to leave behind. But I think I may have to take that plunge. As much as I would like to deny myself and who I am, I must jump in instead.

So, in conclusion, I think this is it. If you ever want to be truly real with another person, then you may have to put up a risk. No, you will have to put up a risk. It’s up to you to decide what’s worth it and what’s not. But remember what Van Gogh said and respect and honor that innermost wish. Maybe it couldn’t be a reality for him, but for the rest of us, we just may be able to achieve it.

I have a general fear of people, or more like I have a general fear of people screwing me over. Time and again it happens. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, yeah well I’m up to about the sixteenth time and it’s not getting any better. Or is it? When do you give in and let yourself fall? Fall into whatever it may be, new job, new lifestyle, new school, new relationship. When do you just fall?

Of course there are all sorts of implications with this. What if you fall too hard? What if you hurt yourself? Or what if someone else hurts you? Is the fall worth the risk and so on and so forth? I want to say it is, but I just don’t know. I just don’t know if I can plunge into total uncertainty and be ok with that. In fact I don’t know anyone who can and if you can please introduce yourself!

Relationships may be the hardest to plunge into. When you put trust into another person’s hands you have to be sure they’ll catch you. Maybe you will fall flat on your face. Maybe you won’t. But you’ll  never know what’s on the other side if you don’t at least fall a little, or  a lot. Or maybe just tumble a little bit!

Everyone’s got their own demons to banish and their own skeletons in the closet. But don’t forget to reach out to others if you have the chance. A little push and shove can go a long way. At least for me it probably can, granted this ear ache stops and I’m back on my game.

1.Our true feelings show through our words even when trying to hide or protect them.

2.Poetry can validate our thoughts and feelings.

3.Nothing I say in a poem is logical.

That’s all I’ve got for now. See ya on the flip side!

Whoa, settle down sparky I told myself as I came to grips with my new revelation. Then my head went back to the “Could I” debate and it took a good smack to the side of my head to shut up my brain. After I landed back on earth I had some good thoughts back in my now slightly bruised head and I was ready to rock…and roll.

Smitten. It’s such a funny word yet it conjures up all sorts of meanings. Mostly the look I had on my face as it was uttered in my presence. What I want to know is, is it possible to stay smitten or does that wear off like all the other good things in a relationship? Can we maintain the goofiness and the charm and all the cuteness that comes with the beginning of a relationship or are all relationships doomed from the beginning to turn into a saga of broken dreams and sleepless nights? Where does the difference lie?

I know that good sometimes wins against bad and relationships do on occasion last, but does  the depth and meaning of them change? Stupid me is of course saying yes, but what I really mean is can you be with and even love somebody after all that has worn off? Or is that what love really is? As I cannot come up with a good definition for love right about now, I’m going with I don’t know and seeing what happens.

So tonight as I put down my online pen, I will be wondering many things. Mainly if this smitten kitten can find a way to make something last. I will wonder and hope and wonder some more. But, what’s for sure is this grin plastered to my face is here and it’s not going anywhere for awhile.

boyfriend/fiance/husband will buy me all the things I see in stores that I want and no one ever thinks to buy me,

Yeah. Then I laugh to myself and wonder if I’ve ever met a man, up close and for real. I spent years, starting around the age of ten, helping my older brother shop for Christmas presents because he didn’t have a clue. It’s only now that I’ve passed him on to his wife. My father, the perpetual romantic bought my mother an ice scraper this year. Although I believe she may have wanted that, so I don’t have much room to differ on that one, strange as it may be.

My point being is even if I had the relationship, no one is going to know me like I know myself. I know what I like, I know the things I like and I know when I want them. Plus I’m picky. God love anyone who tries to buy me a present.

You still have to be you within the confines of your relationship. You know what you need and what you want. If you wait for someone to “know” you, you may never “know” yourself. Isn’t that really the bigger shame?

So get out there, shop till you drop and buy yourself a gift or two. After all the best gifts are the ones that you give yourself because only you know you and that’s what counts.

Happy Holidays!

When you’re bombed with whatever form of connection to this broken part of your life what’s your immediate instinct? Well, it depends what state you are in in regards to the relationship. If its a fresh break you may bend and concede to them. If it was a bad break you may very well break yourself. If it was good, hey news from “friend” is great!

If you are one of the strong, you can turn your head and laugh at your former bad taste. Your former bad taste who seems to be stuck in a holding pattern. See if you have moved on you know that this really means nothing to you. You’re better than this and best of all you don’t have to prove anything to anyone least of all that person.

If you’ve found yourself in this place I commend you and welcome you to a Tuesday cocktail. If you’re still struggling give it time and soon you will really see  the difference between “significant” and “not so significant”

It was just another Tuesday. Preceded by Monday and followed by Wednesday.

Where did we get off track again? Oh that’s right, never mind  it was so insignificant.